Hi, you are “face to face with Shell”.
I hope you are finding this series helpful; whereby I am taking you through a few instances where family/friends have made hurtful comments to me regarding my burn scars/disfigurement/altered body image.
If you haven’t already seen the other pages/videos; please click on the links below:
WHEN FAMILY/FRIENDS HURT (PART 1)
WHEN FAMILY/FRIENDS HURT (PART 2)
WHEN FAMILY/FRIENDS HURT (PART 3)
WHEN FAMILY/FRIENDS HURT (PART 4)
WHEN FAMILY/FRIENDS HURT (PART 5)
The next instance I want to talk about happened with a very close family member. I have to say, that this instance really shocked me and I was totally taken aback by what this person said to me, especially in the context of the conversation that was being held at the time.
Please watch this video and read on for more of the story:
As you will know by now, if you have been following me on YouTube and have had a look round my site; I was burned as a teenager in a gas explosion, whilst on holiday in Spain.
Another family member was talking to me about my “accident” and was actually trying to help with the court case, which has been going on for a ridiculous number of years (34 years at the time).
The conversation was quite a serious one and I was going over what had happened on the day of the “accident”. As I got to the part where the apartment exploded; this VERY close family member said: “Is that when you were making a bomb Michelle”…REALLY???
I was SO taken aback, I just responded with: “Yeah”. I honestly could not believe that this had come out of her mouth. As she said it, she didn’t laugh or smile (meaning, she didn’t intend it as a joke) she actually said it quite sarcastically.
My cousin and I were disfigured for life, my gran and her friend were killed, and this is the statement that is made. This person never said anything else…but very weird to come out with something like this, especially when we were talking seriously about the explosion and there was someone that had taken the time to come and see me, to try and help, and this person came out with this very inappropriate comment.
Once I had gotten over the shock, to say that I was angry would have been an understatement; maybe because this was not the first time that this person had said something inappropriate to me.
This person had not been with me at the start of my journey and had only known me for approx. 10 years at the time (2018) so it could be said that she wasn’t really aware of the impact this would have on me but then I think; “come on”? She is not a young person and has grown-up children of her own, therefore, should know better?
Also, she did know what I and my family had been through, as I had spoken to her in-depth and at length about my case/the explosion, and what had happened afterwards, etc.
As I have already said, she didn’t laugh, therefore, I knew that this was not meant as a joke…who would want to make such a joke anyway? This instance truly made me “squint”…you know that way when someone says something so RIDICULOUS, you actually squint at them…lol. I have no idea what she was trying to achieve by this statement.
I really wanted to tackle this with her afterwards but the family dynamics really didn’t allow me to do this and I would have been the one to come off worse; as she would get upset, and then I would be the one that would be blamed for upsetting her. I know, not fair (I am speaking from personal experience here).
The thing is, sometimes you are so taken aback by what someone has said, you don’t say anything at the time and later, wished that you had.
WHAT WILL I DO IF ANOTHER INAPPROPRIATE COMMENT IS MADE TO ME REGARDING MY BURN SCARS/THE “ACCIDENT”?
Although, as I have said, the family dynamics have not really allowed me in the past to deal with this person’s comments but I feel they NEED to be dealt with, especially if a similar situation arises again. If I don’t, the behaviour will continue, as this person is going to be in my life, and if they are allowed to continually get away with saying such comments, things will never change for the better.
Therefore, I would say something at the time; even if it did upset her/other family members. I think I would ask the person to repeat what they had just said and ask for an explanation. I would listen calmly to what they had to say.
Once I hopefully got an explanation; I would then explain how hurtful and inappropriate these comments are. I would also explain that I do not talk to her like that or make hurtful comments to her and I would appreciate it if these weren’t made to me. I would also explain that I am not being over-sensitive but that this person has to think about what she is saying and what the impact is on others, and not just meaning myself but for people that are close-by/listening in.
I feel it is the classic; mouth engages first, without even consulting brain…lol.
I did manage to speak to the person that was there to help with my case; it was a good while afterwards but I hadn’t seen her since then. That night came up and I mentioned what had been said and explained how annoyed, and hurt I was because of the comment that had been made.
This person understood but then defended the other person and the comment by saying: “Yeah but her brother died young”. WHAT? Yeah, a total tragedy but this has NOTHING to do with what she said to me. If this was the case, could I say whatever I liked just because I have been burned…NO, OF COURSE NOT!
Also, I thought that this would make the person MORE sympathetic rather than less…??? Or because this had happened was this family member “angry” at the world?
There are times when this kind of comment can be funny, if it is used in the correct context but this wasn’t one of them.
I have referred to my friends saying funny things about my “accident” but they were in context and in the right atmosphere; while we were all relaxing and talking about the explosion, and trying to see the funny side of things, and where I myself was laughing.
Therefore, I feel that I HAVE to tackle this the next time it happens. I know it won’t be easy but I have to sort this because if I don’t, I am the one that is going to end up being hurt time and time again by these inappropriate comments.
Again, how you handle things will depend on who is saying it, how you feel on that particular day, and what the circumstances are.
Stay strong and stick to what you believe to be right. YOU are the one going through this and if something needs to be said/dealt with – DO IT.
If you don’t feel confident enough to tackle it on your own, you can always involve another family member/friend, who will be able to keep the situation calm and let each of you have your say.
Most importantly; if a situation keeps arising and you are continually being hurt, I would say that this needs to be dealt with.
YOU CAN DO THIS…STAY STRONG.
We’ll chat soon.