Hi, you are “face to face with Shell”.
I have now done a few pages and videos on this subject; when hurtful comments are made about my burns/scars/disfigurement/altered body image. Please click on the links below if you haven’t seen all the pages/videos or maybe you would like to read/see them again:
WHEN FAMILY/FRIENDS HURT (PART 1)
WHEN FAMILY/FRIENDS HURT (PART 2)
WHEN FAMILY/FRIENDS HURT (PART 3)
WHEN FAMILY/FRIENDS HURT (PART 4)
WHEN FAMILY/FRIENDS HURT (PART 5)
WHEN FAMILY/FRIENDS HURT (PART 6)
WHEN FAMILY/FRIENDS HURT (PART 7)
WHEN FAMILY/FRIENDS HURT (PART 8)
The next story is what I call the “in-between scenario”; please watch this video and read on for more information:
It was maybe 6 or so years after my “accident” and I was going to a Hogmanay party (New Year’s Eve to the non-Scots reading this…lol) with some friends. One of my good friends had kindly told people, who hadn’t met me, that I would be coming and she explained that I had been burned. Some people already knew of me through the media coverage of the explosion.
As I entered the house, I greeted everyone. I got to this certain girl who said to me: “You’ll know how a roast chicken feels like”. She laughed and I kind of laughed. I wasn’t sure why I laughed because I had never met this girl before and I was a bit taken aback at what she had said to me. I was also slightly embarrassed. She did have an infectious laugh and I think that is maybe why I laughed, and also, I didn’t want to make a scene. Her boyfriend was not impressed with her and told her to be quiet and she replied with: “I’m just saying”.
She kept explaining why she had said it (because I was burned, I would know what a chicken felt like being roasted) and she continued laughing…inside I was just hoping that she would let it go. She was drawing more and more attention to me.
We became friends for a few years afterwards and she would bring up the incident. She still thought it funny. I never “pulled her up for it”, as it wasn’t that long after the explosion and I was just starting to find my confidence going out without concern. I didn’t feel able to bring it up with her at that stage in my recovery.
She would explain that her boyfriend was not very happy with her but would then say that she thought it was funny. She said that she had told him what she was going to say and he had told her not to but she went ahead and said it anyway. I think I felt back then that I should just laugh these comments off and I never asked her why she had said such a thing, and did she realise that this could have been very hurtful towards me. I would say this now, if it happened.
Therefore, in conclusion to this story; here was someone, who had heard about my “injuries”, thought about what she was going to say to me, being told by her boyfriend at the time not to say it (as he obviously thought that it was not appropriate) said it anyway, thought it very funny, continued to think it funny, and keep going on about it, and THEN even afterwards, thinking it was still funny! WOW!
After a while it never came up again. Looking back, I should have said something but I didn’t want to cause a scene in a room full of new people and I maybe wanted people to think that I was “ok” with what had happened to me?
It was all new and as I said, I was just starting to go out into others company without over-thinking “my scars” and just didn’t feel comfortable with challenging this girl and to be honest, I think I just didn’t know what to do.
WHAT SHOULD I HAVE DONE?
Looking back…if I was in the same frame of mind as I was then, I probably would do exactly what I did…nothing! I know, I am writing this telling myself that I SHOULD have done something but I just “wasn’t there”, I didn’t have the confidence. If you are at this stage in your recovery, don’t beat yourself up for not saying anything, as I totally understand.
If it happened now? If someone said: “You’ll know how a roast chicken feels like”…depending on what mood I was in, I would either:
Be sarcastic and say: “Hhhhmmmmm, not really as I was in an explosion whilst alive and a roast chicken is dead before it is roasted slowly in an oven, there is a difference”.
OR
Say: “Sorry”, sounding as if you have not heard them. By doing this, you are making them repeat what they have said and they may then realise that it was not an appropriate comment to make. (I don’t think the girl in this case would have thought it inappropriate though). If the person did repeat it again; I would maybe say: “Yeah, I thought that was what you said” and walk away.
OR
Tell them straight out that it is not funny and the comment is way inappropriate and ask if they greet everyone in this way; with an insult?
OR
You could reply telling them exactly how you feel by saying: “Please don’t make a comment like that, it is hurtful, and not funny. You may think it is funny but I have suffered a lot of pain and it has taken me a long time to get where I am today, and a comment like that could set people back”. You might want to take the person aside and say this.
Personally, I would be more likely to use the sarcastic one (it is my personality…lol). Maybe after saying something, the person may come back to you and say something like: “I didn’t mean it like that” or: “It was just a joke”, or maybe even: “I joke when I don’t know what to say”.
These are all fine but if the person has made the move to come and explain themselves to you, then this is your chance to put your side over, and explain to them how inappropriate these comments are, and to have a think about the huge impact that they may have on the people on the receiving end of these comments.
If you have experienced anything like what I have spoken about, I am really sorry and these comments can have a HUGE impact on you. Try not to let them. As I have said before, this is all just a reflection of them. It is hard…I know. I don’t think people truly realise what impact their comments can have on someone.
Please stay strong and we’ll chat soon.